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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
12:45 pm - FOOTBALL!
all i hafta say is...be ready to bring your A-game, girls! mission bowl is gonna be nuts. i'm so stoked. especially w/ pep rally tonight. the guys are gonna be TIGHT this year. watching them gave me great hope. =0)

but YES.
1/27/07, fo sho.
2/3/07, it's going down.
because guess what, 12/2/06.... NEVER AGAIN.
1/20/07 will repeat itself in the ending.

come out to watch! buy food, enjoy great fellowship, see cute kids (we have ALOT. we're LBC, what do you expect? =D) and support missions! yea Lighthouse!!! it will truly be CRAAAZY. see other great churches, such as CEC, CBC, Hope, Kairos, Harbor, Harvest (new this year!) and many more play their hearts out for God's glory!

if you need more info, please contact me =) all games will take place on the muir fields on the UCSD campus! it would be a great joy to us to see you come out to support the ministry of the local church...thanks for your support!

to God alone be the glory. sdg, nance

current mood: bouncy

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Thursday, October 26th, 2006
3:20 pm
ah! anna, becky & i led a little seekers study for ONE girl this evening at LBC. it was seriously THE most humbling and overwhelming thing i've probably ever been a part of. reviewing the Gospel, being challenged, and seeing this girl's HEART to learn and willingness to EXPLORE was just ..a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

God has really, really been challenging me to...GROW! i can't quite explain it, but there's this urgency that's been literally tugging at my heart & i've known that NOW is the time for a looong time, but i just have kinda sat around and been idle far too long. i know He's constantly on me [for my benefit, of course] to just come to Him, but it's been so hard. my pride has gotten in the way many times and i always make lame excuses, like "i'm discouraged" or "it's too hard" or "i don't have time right now" or blahblahblah.

God is not a god who appreciates excuses or tolerates them. yes, He is merciful, patient, kind-loving, and gentle. but He is a God of Justice and he has every right to have just wiped me off the face of this planet by now, considering my numerous sin and continued disobedience towards Him. & yet, i'm still here... simply through His amazing grace. He has never, ever let go and never will. because Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow... my salvation will never change. in Him, i am held. by Him, i know that everything will be okay because He is sovereign, all-knowing, purposeful, and ABSOLUTELY good. there is none higher than Him.

ahhhhhh. so where am i going with this? eileen, my small group leader, keeps reminding me to "come" and all of the sisters at lighthouse have been sooo amazing in spurring me on (thank you, esp. to my small group & the TIGHT sisters i meet up w/ regularly--mel, lil, ei, woycie, becks, anna, etc.) what encouragements you have ALL been to me!!! and now, it's time for me to do that with other little sisters. hahahah no wonder i'm always bugging jwang, gracie, and moon...i only do it out of love. <3 puahahaha. ok, maybe that's not true. cuz i don't bug em as much as i bug them, but jwang..i'm always mad encouraged by her and constantly rebuking her too (not in a prideful way, but in a way that i challenge her and then she complains, but does it and laughs when it works out :D).

sigh. ok. time to RUN!!! no more idleness. no more. no more. how could i just be IDLE when we've been given such treasure?!!!! if you find me sitting around in a FIGURATIVE way, then urge me to press forward!!!(i honeslty haven't literally been "sitting around"..more like studying my booty off at geisel or roma).

to God be the glory. for only He deserves it. my heart hurts. in a good, convicted way.

sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation

current mood: determined

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Sunday, July 16th, 2006
2:31 pm - life is too short to settle....
haro all :] one thing i'm definitely learning, particularly in this season of weddings/births and incredibly happy times is that... life is, indeed, much too short to just settle for anything less than best. hehe. it's all about patience and holding out for the right things. i think for myself, i personally tend to just go for whatever feels right at the time, but basing all your decisions on instincts alone is not always the wisest choice.

the older i grow up, the more i realize that God, my family, and my friends see that there's always bigger & better things for me. i'm never able to see it at the time, when it seems like i'm always being disappointed (but then again--it's not all about me anyway), but then later... i'm always thankful that i had those around me encouraging me to wait out for what was BEST and reminding me not to settle. if those closest to me can dream around me, can see those beautiful things for me... then shouldn't i see them for myself?

disclaimer--i'm definitely not saying that we should have an attitude of deserving these big and better things. but God definitely also does say to lift your requests and petitions up to Him. it's not necessarily BAD to want these things. it's good to be a dreamer =) and i'm thankful to say that i still haven't lost that one innocent quality i've always cherished...

current mood: loved

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Thursday, July 13th, 2006
3:51 pm
oh my...O_O
everyone's friggin gone this summer!!

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Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
2:24 am - worship music... :)
oh my oh my...there's SO many good worship songs right now! to name JUUUUUST a few..

*great and mighty (old school)
*great and mighty (new school by caedmon's call)
*love them like Jesus
*glory of the Cross
*sing alleluia
*help me believe
*Jesus, i my cross have taken (traditional hymn)
*shine your light
*we are one tonight
*the shadow proves the sunshine
*love covers
*blessed be Your holy name

ok yeah =] a FEW of these are probably muuuch easier to find than others, but OMG...seriously!! alot of times the BEST songs are the more obscure ones ;) in fact, i don't even own like two of these because they're sooooo old school, i can't find 'em anywhere! hahaha other than at lighthouse. but more than likely, we'll probably record the songs next year for praise team! that'd be awesome =D hahahah...in the meantime, enjoy my list. i just wanted to SHAREEE w/ y'all about these AMAAAAZING songs! lemme know if you'd like a SAMPLE listen sometime ;) muahaha.

current mood: busy

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Sunday, June 11th, 2006
9:01 pm - liiiighthouse :*)
duuuuude...the end of the year is SOOO busy!!! i have finals AND work ALL this week, as my preschoolers wrap up their school year. i know i'm gonna cry, especially watching some of them move up to the "big side" (i.e. the transition classroom from preschool to kindergarten, considered primary). yikes!!!

yea, so once again... i just muuuust praise God for bringing me to such a wonderful church like lighthouse! i've never seen a church just strive so hard to uphold and live out God's Word and do all things for His glory. =) not only that, but seriously...do YOU know anyone who has as much pride as lbc-ers?!! i honestly don't think so! haha because lbc-ers get CRAAAAZY excited juuuust to go to church!! even for me, i was a major church hopper (yes, mr. josh harris..i was that person who "dated" the church, harhar), buuuut becoming a member at LBC changed my view of churches and Sundays are the highlight of my weeks! it's so awesome having flocks on fridays, bball on saturdays, and thennn a wonderful loooong (yes, i enjoy LENGTHY-- more content! pastor john doesn't try to RUSH through Scripture to please man, but rather...to present it ACCURATELY) sermon on Sunday, as i fellowship with my brothers & sisters! today was SO cool :] we had "graduation recognitions"... as we watched the nursery kids (0-2) move up to preschool (3-5) and watched the preschoolers move up to elementary, as well as watched jenna & rebecca move up to h/s! O_O not only that, but FRICK the graduating senior class is hUUUUUUUGE =D like, maaaajorly huuuuuge!! hahaha it was SO big, i couldn't even see everyone as they went up there. i'm so thankful for them... they've all been suuuuch wonderful blessings in MY life and i look up to them so much!! ahhh, afterwards... the entire LBC family (haha yes, even tho our church has now grown to like 220, we STILL all usually try to eat at the same place =P) went to pick up stix to support LBC missions!! w00t w00t! =D mannn. so now i'm eating my finals care package, reading the senior lbc yearbook of testimonies/pix/etc, deciding whether or not i should start randy alcorn's "the treasure principle", and admiring beverly's beautiful work on the lbc members roster =D btw...ALL of these were GIFTS from lighthouse. =) not that a church has to give you gifts, but surely, this entire CHURCH is a gift to me from God!!! the people are WONDERRRFUUUL =)

ahhh, the end of this year just makes me realize what a Rock God is =D and how He's been so gracious to provide me w/ a local church to sustain me throughout this past year! on friday, we had an end of the year flocks dinner =)))) talk about MAJOR foooood coma!!! mmmm...mocha almond fudge mud pie, korean bbq WITHOUT meat (it's the really expensive stuff), amazing chinese chicken salad, korean purple rice, regular rice, egg rolls, dumplings, cream puffs, etc..... MMMMMMM!!!! ;]]]]] and yesterday we had our playoffs and i was just chilling w/ angela and olivia (hehe pastor john's 8-month old daughter). we were playing w/ olivia, but just fellowshipping...and seriously. =) afterwards, i went to the library and ran into some AACF-ers, too! wheee ;) i seriously LOVe fellowship. is it ANY wonder that i'm an extrovert?!!! :] my life really is MINISTRY. i can give and give and give to people, simply because i'm an extrovert...hrmmm, no wonder i like to serve people! the more i talk w/ people, the more i realize that this is truly my calling in my life! =P

why is LIGHTHOUSE so amazing?! i'm sorry to brag about my church so much, but seriously.. i wish ALL churches were more like LBC. we're definitely not perfect, but just the fact that the elders/pastoral staff genuinely want to see their flocks grow is such an encouragement in itself!! if you don't like church, or are using a para-church ministry to REPLACE the local church... please please STOP!! come to lighthouse & i GUARANTEE it will change your perspective of the local church. yes, there are SO many churches out there who aren't biblically sound, who preach false truths, who are people pleasers, who sugar coat things, who don't provide TRUE accountability, who don't genuinely want to see their people grow by hiding the truth from them... but LIGHTHOUSE is NOT that kind of a church. it's the type of church you'll want to stay at FOREVER ;) just look at our graduating senior class! NO ONE wants to leave =) and honestly, i'm very grateful for that... praise God for the LOW turnover rate!! muahahaha =D i'm greedy. but yes, i love you people.

oh oh!! gluck on finals EVERYBUUUUDDDY x) hahaha i can't believe it's already here! SEE! the end of this year is INCREDIBLY busyyyy, but i've had such an awesome time getting to know so many people and just learning more about myself. i know i'm a sinner who is in need of a Savior and i'm mighty grateful for that lesson, so praise God!! i <3 You, Lord. you carry me through it allllllllllll.... and it is only by Your grace, that i will be able to get through this week. =) *deep breath* HERE WE GOOOO!!!!

current mood: crazy

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
thankfully, the quarter's almost over. it seems so surreal that my JUNIOR year is coming to an end and soon enough... i'm gonna be a senior!! how amazing is that?! man, college has literally flown by. i really pray that i'll make the most of my senior year and spend it doing fruitful things, rather than just idly chilling too much =] chilling is good, but we need to be RUNNING too, so it's not always good to just be doing too little either. it's all about balance! but yes, this has been an overall pretty good year... although there were also some major, major downers. a few of those would include: my unbelievable sinfulness, a certain person moving, the ending of a significant relationship, dealing with awkwardness in terms of reconciliation, cutting back ministries, best buddies leadership, and of course, dealing with past stress of illness. thankfully, i had a wonderful year where i felt emancipated from alot of things in my life that i needed to get rid of. i wasn't aware of how many things were really holding me back, but i'm just thankful that God gave me the strength to leave those things that were bringing me pain. i've found alot of inspiration this year and i'm so grateful for that. lighthouse bible church has been AMAZING... meeting so many quality people and seeing God at work in such a wonderful way has really shocked me and surprised me in a positive way. i think i've found some TRUE brothers and sisters, who are willing to run for the right things at this church and that amazes me even more =) they are so generous, so supportive, so kind, so loving, so inclusive, so welcoming, so fun to hang out with, etc etc =) and of course, my housemates have been GREAT!! living w/ val is like one big party. hehe next year shall be the same. my work has been awesome... having a great job that actually i discovered alot of the people i look up to used to work at =) so awesome! and... just... everything seems to be falling into place. sure, there are a couple of things that are really worrying me and stressing me out, but seriously in the big scheme of things, life is too short to worry =) pray and do not worry! let us pray more. thanks God for that reminder that our life here is NOT eternal, but our life in heaven with You is everlasting and the truest love of all!!! whee...

what can wash away my sins? NOTHING, but the BLOOD OF JESUS!!! =D

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
7:40 pm - wahoo!! he cares. =)
wowww. that was NOT the response i was expecting to get AT ALL! thankssss God. again, sooo GRACIOUS, blessing me with TREMENEDOUSLY more than i deserve!! ABUNDANTLY MORE O_O gooodness gracioussssssss....what an awesome God we worship and love!!!!! =)))))

so yes. thanks for prayers. this has totally been a GREAT week for me, despite finals and any other stressfulness that's occurred the rest of this quarter~ phewww!! almost done. one more final tomorrow. go tep119. i'm really praying that my grade will be ok.. not that the marks matter, so much as the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). gotta keep that in mind :)

current mood: chipper

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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
3:56 pm - if that's the way it is...
...then that's the way it is.

the moment of truth: friday

"running home seems so far when you're finding where you belong" -one of the songs i wrote

if you knew how much this moment meant to me.
i never thought i'd love anyone so much.


something in your eyes
makes me want to lose myself
in your heart

there's something in your voice
makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts
the rest of my life

if you knew how lovely my life has been
and how long i've been so alone
if you knew how i wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done

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Thursday, March 16th, 2006
2:20 am - blessed =]
so blessed.

cool how my housemates share in the same things as i do, in terms of convictions,
living to a higher standard, striving for higher spiritual goals, running hard,
not thinking of "shoulds" but action, still desiring the heart first, their passion
for worship, how we all know the latest worship songs :P, our love for cooking,
socializing, boyfriends (even tho im still single- i usually always do have one),
etc. =] craaazy! God planned it perfectly. like He always does.

"the way you move takes away my fear
the way you move lets me know you're near
the way you move captivates my soul
the way you move it makes me whole"

love you God :]

on a random funny sidenote: its tough being beautiful, right crystal? haha

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
8:34 pm - the happiest 4-year old ever...
=] i LOVE my kids, but especially.. sean. oh my goodness.

he was wearing the CUUUUTEST lil elmo shirt the other day!! and he kept running around screaming, "don't tickle me!" hahaha and then when you did, he'd SQUEAL! it's like your own life-size tickle me elmo. seriously! i looove it.

today...he decided to draw me a picture =]
"happy face? sad face? NO FACE?"
HAHAHA he was asking me what kind of a face he should draw me (keep in mind, he's only in preschool, so this isn't gonna be some crazy art or anything.. happy faces are pretty good at this age!!)
finally, he decided to draw me a happy, sad, and silly face :]

he's SO cute :o)
besides coming to sit on my lap regularly, throwing himself into my body in a crazy hug, attempting to ride his tricycle, running around giggling, taking "pictures" of me ("SAY CHEESE!"), asking me what my name is, giving me kisses on the cheek, calling me toottoot/stripey and anything else he can think of, screaming about how old i am ("TWENTY?!!"), eating popcorn with me, making faces, giving me presents on a regular basis (tho they're usually markers, blocks or something that doesn't belong to him), running away from me on the playground (bcuz he likes people to chase him..), begging me to zip up his jacket for him, asking me if i like his shoes and his teeth (he has 8 cavities dude! but they're so cute, i must admit.), jumping up and down for me to give him back the ball when i play kiddie bball with him, etc... he speaks chinese AND english pretty dang well :] SO FLUENT for just a lil baby!!!! hehehe

DANG. i seriously hope i have a kid like this!! i used to always think i wanted a daughter, but freakin a, lil boys are SOOO adorable, even tho they're suuuch troublemakers! =] i loveloveloooove them to death!! they are seriously such cuuuties. hehehe <3

current mood: grateful

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Monday, March 6th, 2006
7:28 pm
And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

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Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
12:50 pm

right after writing this entry, "better is one day" came onto my playlist. YES God, better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere. so phew. thank You for that reminder :] it'll ALL be worth it.. all the junk and CRAP here on earth will all be worth it just to be with You. and better yet? it's for ETERNITY. yesss. not even one single moment!!! but a LIFETIME =D how cool is that...

i've never stressed this much about school in my life.
or even worse... GRADES. goosh. this is HORRIBLE :((((((

after calculating one rather horrid midterm grade that is ONLY 15% of my grade, i realized that even if i get a freaking 90% on EVERYTHING else in the class (that's the other 85%... i will STILL end up with only a mere 87%. this simply is unacceptable by asian standards and by MY current standards. c'mon, i went to troy. what can i say, i'm a basketcase.) i normally would be FINE with a "B", but already knowing you're going to get one just plain sucks. at least "wondering" if you're going to get one and then ending up with one is fine, but geez.. when you FOR SURE know, it's just the worst thing ever.

and i normally wouldn't care honestly. a B is cool. whatever. but... when my othre grades are going so poorly and i found out some REALLY horrible news today, i want to scream. i KNOW God has a plan, but DANGIT it's sooo hard to trust right now. oh my goodness. HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF!!!

i'm going to start expressing my pain in my songwriting again. sheesh. no wonder i have so many songs written over the past few years (even surprisingly sophisticated ones from when i was in elementary school) because of everything i've been through. thanks God for that gift always and the gift of salvation with you. these things are NOT eternal. i repeat, NOT eternal. they won't matter anyway. heck, we're all going to die eventually... and thus everything here on earth will have passed, except for those who knew You and loved You. KNOWING YOU- there is NO GREATER THING.

c'mon God. help me to have an attitude of JOY while i study for these two midterms. focus nancy. focus!! who cares if you end up with Bs, Cs or Fs or whatever... come what may, God is sovereign and good all the time.

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
11:14 pm - this is scary...
it's scary how simply from like ONE not-even-a-real-hint someone figured out who my ex was. EW. =T that's really creepy. i'm distraught. i hope no one else finds out. argh. it's not something i really am proud to admit to. gosh.

on a sidenote, anyone not have class this friday? :]

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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
11:51 pm - stress-cases =]
sparklepie: i hateee when this happens!!!
sHiNiNg4JeSuS: yeah i'm so lost in all these future plans... like i have no diea what i'm doing for study abroad aughhh
sparklepie: ahhhh
sHiNiNg4JeSuS: one little thing breaks the camel's back
sparklepie: we must TRUSTTTTT....
sHiNiNg4JeSuS: in our ROCK
sparklepie: it's sooo hard tho!!
sparklepie: MOS DEF
sparklepie: i find myself getting discouraged so easily!
sHiNiNg4JeSuS: well if we're worrying we're not pryaing enough
sparklepie: FASHO let's go pray!
sHiNiNg4JeSuS: i was just thinking the same thing :]]]]

yayyyyy <3

PRAY MORE, worry less.

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Friday, February 17th, 2006
1:38 am - bargaining with God...
i feel like a little kid all over again. when i was really little, before i even knew Christ or really who God was (other than..He's the ruler of all the earth =D haha that was my def'n as an elementary school kid), i used to pray aloooot to Him. He was definitely an ever-present refuge; a comfort in all of my times of trouble. and as promised in the Bible, He provided unsurpassing peace that no one could give.

haha but the funny thing is.. i used to really "bargain" with God. like if you give me this, then i'll stop doing this (i guess i had a stronger realization of sin than i ever really noticed haha i was easily convicted of it, which may explain why i'm all haughty about being morally righteous--even before i was saved). and it worked. it always did :] i think God was really trying to reveal himself through doing those things because He knew that it would help lead me to Him.

and the strange thing is... even after being saved, changing the way i live my life and who/what i live it for (in Christ alone =]) i still find myself on this "bargaining scale" haha especially tonight. Lord, i really really need you to pull through on these things. more than anything. and i can't even say that "i'll stop doing this" in return because i finally realize that nothing i could give could ever measure up to everything You can give. so i just say this... God, i surrender to You. may Your will be done in whatever way you choose and i really really pray that it is in line with what i really pray for. God, pleaseeeee...if this is Your will, then pleeease make it happen. i'm bEGGIN ya sincerely =] *waiting on God*... oh man. pleaseeeee PRAY FOR ME if you're reading. you don't even know what i'm talking about, but pRAY. because if God doesn't make this happen, i'm going to really cry :((((

current mood: scared

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
12:32 am - grades, jobs, the future...
i don't know why, but seriously this year i've been worrying like a basketcase over grades, jobs, THE FUTURE...

haha and for once, i'm not thinking about who i'm going to marry or anything silly like that. instead, i'm totally wondering where God's really going to take my career. for the past three years, i really relied on my summer internship and was confident that i was going to go into the world of business. but working with my wonderful kids this year has totally changed my perspective--that, and being an hdp major in general. i just love love love love kids. and i adore them. and i want to help them. to show them God's love. to teach them. to be there for them. i don't know why.

so suddenly, things like success, money, prestige, power--all of which would only be in a worldly sense, anyway--don't really seem all that important. i'm not that interested in what car i'm going to drive this summer, what suit i'm going to wear to work, or where i'm going to fly and how i'm going to be pampered at such and such conference (this, by the way, is what i experienced for the past three years. and this is the only career i ever really knew.) somehow, God's kinda thwarted my previous plans... haha i'm not even really thinking 'bout new york anymore. i'm just wondering hey God, where do you want me to go career-wise? what direction am i movin in? and how is it going to glorify You?

it's kinda crazy. because for once, i got it right. :) thanks God! anddd thanks for reminding me that even though my grades stink (due to medical circumstances), if it's Your will for me to go business school, then i will. and if it's Your will for me to go into teaching, then i will. no matter what.... LET YOUR KINGDOM COME, PRAY YOUR WILL BE DONE =D with a genuine heart, i say these words. thanksssss God for a whole new attitude!!!!!! let's not be of this world dudes.

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
2:54 am - i have to believe...
i have to believe that He is my refuge and that He sees my pain, my darkness, all of it. i have to believe that He will carry me through.

i'm so stressed out today. i don't even know why. i was just sitting in my room and all of a sudden the stress came on like an overflow. i normally don't get stressed out, but honestly i was just buggin today. i think there's more that lies beneath the surface. i've been throwing myself a pity party from being sick for the past week. i feel so incapacitated, so helpless, so frustrated. and i'm realizing more and more what a horrible sinner i am. i feel like paul. i am really the worst of sinners. i tried, for a good chunk of my life, to deny God's existence and in fact prove that He wasn't real. and even though i know the Gospel, i feel like i still sometimes exhort those false beliefs in my life.

this is all coming on while contemplating baptism. i'm honestly not quite sure just how much of a true believer i can honestly say i am, considering i continue in my sinful ways. my thought life is not the purest, i tend to judge people still, etc... and i know we're not called to be perfect, but if the Holy Spirit is really at work, then our lives should seriously be a reflection of that. why isn't there more daily Bible reading? more love? more zeal? more thirst or hunger for God? gah. it's missing in me.

blah. even in the midst of this stress and depression (mostly just from being sick-- not really depression or anything, just feeling miserable and self-loathing), i have to remember even the smallest of miracles that God has worked in my life. it may sound small, but i caught a glimpse of just His enormous grace for me once again yesterday when someone asked me to compare homework answers. i didn't even know there WAS homework due! and neither did brett. so i called him up. and it's because of that one person that me and brett will both receive credit on the homework-- and i'm not even saying i did it correctly because i honestly didn't understand most of it, but... just the mere fact that God was sooo gracious enough to even give that gentle reminder to both of us (we both weren't at lecture the day it was announced) speaks volumes to me. i need to CLING to those small miracles, rather than always whining that God's not giving up the "true goods" (aka the humongous miracles). freak. i even saw Him working this past weekend in a relationship that i've struggled with for so long. something that's been a year+ struggle for me. and it is in these moments that i can reaffirm my faith.. now if only i could testify to it...

and by the way, when i get baptized. i will let people know :] i just need to pray that i have the right heart about it man. God, humble me and give me a new attitude about everything. change my heart.

on a completely unrelated note...it's valentine's day. and typically, single people always go all wacko on this day because they're all depressed from being single. haha. i actually REJOICE. i repeat, rejoice. i'm very thankful that i am :] God's also been really gracious in this capacity. He's made me suuuuper content in just being who i am because my identity does not rest in another, nor is my self-worth reaffirmed through the eyes of a human being... but i am redeemed through Christ's unselfish act on the Cross. it's beautiful. i'm seriously happy to be single this year and i'm even more thankful that i'm not even thinking one bit about how i wish i had a boyfriend, but rather writing this entry... and thinking about how i can grow closer to God. after all, it's "from a lack of my persistency that we're nowhere near as close as i'd like to be..." (don't worry God. i'll fix it! with your help of course.)

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, February 4th, 2006
11:38 am
why do i keep getting sore throats!?!! BLAAAAH :[[[

how do you know if you need to get your tonsils removed?? wait..or does that hafta do w/ your stomach...

DANGIT im confused. O_O

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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
1:37 am - there must be MORE than this...
biggest praise as of recently...


considering that my biggest prayer has always been for my family to be saved, you can't imagine how thrilled i was to hear this. hahaha of course, i don't normally post the crazy crazy things on xanga or livejournal or anything, but... i just wanna say that God is so faithful. awesome, huh? =D

current mood: chipper

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